Jason’s insights

Anyone who knows me very well knows that I am an avid reader, I blame this condition on my mother who was also afflicted with the same condition. When I was a young child she brought me into our living room and with a deliberate air (which I was later to learn was actually sadism) she introduced me to phonics; soon after I was hooked.

Many of you have seen someone who is hooked on phonics, could be a stranger at a coffee shop, maybe even be someone that you know. While you can’t alway tell if someone is hooked on phonics, some people are quite easy to identify.
A surprising number of people are completely comfortable with their affliction, these people can be seen in public areas, generally sitting somewhere out of the way, with their book out in plain sight. While these people might look completely harmless do not take that for granted. When disturbed they can turn extremely hostile, babbling nonsense like, “Not now he is about to propose to her!” or “Don’t interrupt, he is about to stab someone!” Do not be fooled! A careful examination of the area will prove that nothing of the sort is taking place. These are simple scare tactics that are a phonical’s first defense against unwelcome attention.

I know that right now you are asking yourself, “What if they do not prominently display their hobby?” “How can I tell if any of my friends are hooked?” and, “Can I catch this from being around phonicals?”

Phonicals are a lot like normal people in the aspect that they like to hang out with other people like them. Usually they are looking for the best places to get their “hook”, or finding out what other phonicals are hooked on. Places that these kind of people typically frequent are used book stores, coffee shops, or Barnes and Noble. This is where things can get confusing as normal people drink coffee and hang out at Barnes and Noble in an attempt to seem smarter than they really are so obviously discretion is advised.

Another way to determine whether or not your friend is hooked on phonics is to visit them at their house. Now this can be a bit tricky as some extremist phonicals take the phrase ‘A man’s home is his fortress’ literally. They do not necessarily have walls and a gate but it can be quite difficult to gain entrance to their house, but once you do you are basically looking at their bare soul.
At first this can seem like a foreign concept because most people entertain guests at their house quite frequently and keep their personal life locked away in their room. Phonicals however seem to be quite surprised when you suggest that you meet them at their house.
A good way to see their home in its unmodified form is to arrange a later date (at least a week in advance) that you will drop by, then conveniently forget to remind them in advance. This works well because phonicals as a whole seem to be rather confused about how calendars work and will typically forget any appointments made within a day. The reason that you set the date out at least a week is because no phonical will be able to keep his home clean for more than a couple days, and by then they will forget that you are coming which will result in the home returning to its original state.

When you drop by it should be fairly obvious, many people will keep a bookcase stocked with books to provide the illusion of culture, with phonicals the bookcase will be full and slightly overflowing. Books will be strewn in odd places such as tables by the couch, the kitchen counter, or on the floor. This is not unlike when you are trying to impress a girl that you have brought to your house, the only difference being that the phonical will not have gaps in his bookcase.

Another good way to tell is if you see a high amount of disposable coffee cups or mugs lying around. For those of you who have gamers instead of children the cups will be replaced with empty Mountain Dew cans.

The absolute clincher for telling if someone is a phonical are the pets that they have wandering around their house, these are their guards. Do not be alarmed, the guards are merely there for observational or philosophical reasons, they will usually refrain from attacking you.
It is extremely easy to tell these guards apart from the average household pet. All animals exist to better the lives of human beings, whether through sacrificing themselves for our consumption, completing various jobs for us, or simply making our lives more enjoyable. A phonical’s guards will not fall into any of these catagories. They do not obey the phonical’s spoken commands, complete any obvious physical work, or provide any sort of sustenance. In fact the only thing that they seem to do is sleep, search the house for intruders, and look directly into your soul.

You should have a fairly good idea now on how to determine if someone is a phonical. In the next lesson we will discuss what the impact of a phonical is on the neighborhood and how to deal with them.